The Preacher and his Work, Wendell Winkler (c. 1987)

Introduction

  1. Preachers often get calls to marry young couples.
  2. First find out about if either have been married before (if so, it’s better not to perform the service, especially for strangers).
  3. Set up an appointment after services on Sunday or Wednesday night (this helps conserve your time).

General observations:

Ascertain:

  1. Previous marriage situations.
  2. When and where do you plan to be married?
  3. How many will attend? (if none, no rehearsal is needed)

Rehearsal is usually the night before the wedding.

Generally, counsel twice before marriage (explain this to them).

One hour before evening services on Sunday afternoons is a good time. Perhaps during a Sunday afternoon Bible class.

Request that they bring:

  • A Bible
  • Notepad (never to be disposed of)
  • A pen

 

The first meeting

  1. Help them relax—pass the time of day by talking about sports, etc. Be sure to be relaxed, as it will help them. Lean back and breathe easy. Read the book: The Awesome Power of the Listening Ear, by Drakeford. If you start with, “I will not be deal much at all with your sexual relations. You can get that from wholesome books to be read in private or from medical doctors” it will help them relax.
  2. Always have family devotions. Be sure to start on your first night of marriage. Make a commitment and don’t backtrack at all. Remember, “The family that prays together stays together.”
  3. Each one is to put the other first in his life. Not father, not mother, not relatives, and not friends. Never let the wife feel that she plays second fiddle to anyone.
  4. Open to 1 Corinthians 13 and break it down. Ask them to read it aloud, then talk about 1 John 4:8 says God is love—so you could substitute “God” for love in reading 1 Corinthians 13. Then, talk about John 14:7 and how Jesus said, “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” So, you could substitute Jesus’ name in 1 Corinthians 13. Last, discuss 2 Corinthians 3:18 and how a Christian is to be like Christ. Since I am a Christian, I can put my name there. Now, have them each read it using their own name. There is more to love than romance.
  5. Never go to bed angry or without the disagreement being settled. If you do, you’ll wake up with the same problems. Always fight for one another, never with one another.
  6. Do things together. Saying, “I’ve got to have my night with the fellows” is not a good idea, but sometimes it’s okay. But husbands and wives can always do things together.
    • Engage in recreation together.
    • Go shopping together.
    • Go on vacations together.
    • Visit parents together.
  7. When a woman is rearing children, the walls are caving in, especially when someone is sick. Go out and get supper (1 Peter 3:7).
  8. Remember that neither of you are perfect … so don’t expect it. Expect differences and be ready for them.
  9. Watch your friends—especially the close ones. If you hear, “Divorce him” all the time, it will show up in your thinking and conversation.
  10. Guard against excessive debt. Decide how much you can handle. Plan a budget (try to save 10%). An IRA is a good thing. When you buy something on credit, pay for it before buying something else. Live within your income.
  11. Allow time for adjustments and let each other be themselves. Marriage is like two streams coming together. There is some turbulence at first, but soon it will flow smoothly. Remember that you will not be able to change the other person to what you want them to be. “The rites never right them” and “the altar never alters them” (see Deuteronomy 24:5).
  12. Be attentive to small things. Make a little telephone call to check up on the spouse. Little gifts, little words of commendation, and little notes mean a lot.
  13. Never do anything in your companion’s absence that you would not do in their presence. This is especially with someone of the opposite sex. Don’t take extra familiarities (hugs) and watch what you talk about.
  14. Assume your God-given responsibilities and roles. To the wife, God says, “He is to be head of the family. You must let him assume this role or else two things will happen:
    • become a tyrant, and/or
    • lose all the power to make decisions.
    • To the husband, God says, “You are the head, but this does not mean you are a tyrant or that you do not listen to her.” See Barnes Notes on Ephesians 5.
  15. Continue courting one another. Help get each others’ coats off. Hold hands. But be cautious of excessive display of affection in public. Repeat your vows to one another occasionally.
  16. Help one another get to heaven (I Corinthians 7:16).

Observations

Decide your personal convictions:

  • If neither are members, you can marry them without violating Scripture. If one is a non-Christian, work it out in your own mind. Fulfill your civil responsibility. Could cause one to become bitter. A good time to set up a Bible study for is just after they return from the honeymoon.
  • If one is divorced, be careful in discussing Bible’s teaching. Don’t say, “Do you know the Bible’s teaching on this?” as they might take you to court. Instead, use generic phrases like: “Mr. A and Mrs. B . . .” Don’t use “your wife” or personal names.

Give them a copy of Your Marriage Can Be Great (Thomas B. Warren) or Marriage is for Those Who Love God and One Another (Thomas B. Warren).